Everyone in business knows bullshit is required. I got to use one of my favourite BS lines today!
Best euphemism for "Go fuck yourself": "We'll do our best."
"We don't really want to go to bat for you on this one": "Our hands are tied."
"I'm still too hungover from the long weekend": "I'm haven't had the chance to get to that."
If I was president I'd make Honest Day - where everyone really actually says what they mean, but only for 24 hours, and the world would probably splode after 6.
Now you go. What bullshit have you spewed at a client today? I need to learn to be more full of shit.
That's outside the project scope = That is a stupid fucking change request that I don't feel like implementing
Thank you = Fuck you
Hello = Fuck you
Goodbye = Fuck you
lololol
Originally posted by: arigato That's outside the project scope = That is a stupid fucking change request that I don't feel like implementing
Perfect!!! :thumbsoup:
"That's outside standard parameters" =that is the stupidest fucking thing anyone has ever suggested!!
"Clear your cache, refresh your browser and check it again"
"...take your time while I upload the minor updates I promised to do last week... so that you look like the n00b"
"Clear your cache, refresh your browser and check it again"
"...take your time while I upload the minor updates I promised to do last week... so that you look like the n00b"
The number of times I did this, at my previous job....
Actually more impressive was the number of times I did those minor updates, on the live site, with the client sitting 2m away from me going through the site with my boss - me only 2 mouse clicks away from being caught without the job done.
Originally posted by: papaya nirvana "Clear your cache, refresh your browser and check it again"
"...take your time while I upload the minor updates I promised to do last week... so that you look like the n00b"
That's one i use also alot.
Or
That's odd, i send you a mail thursday last week. Didn't you get it? Maybe in your SPAM? = I just made your stuff, here is the link.
2 times i even got a message back where they said they found it in their spam and apologized for it
Originally posted by: The General appoligized
appolling.
Have a good day = Thanks for wasting my time
Originally posted by: Your Mom "Our hands our tied."
ahem
...anyway:
"Doing what you ask will require a significant amount more work and increase the cost to you" = "I can't be bothered to do whatever it is so I'm trying to scare you off"
You made that up. Never happened.
I can't guarantee anything =I'm not going to try very hard.
Yours are better than mine so HURRY UP and contribute lols!!!! Content for next bitch rant.
"I'll try my best with the remaining hours allocated to this." = I'm not gonna do it.
"I'll see what I can do" = No effing way, but you'll bitch about customer service if I just say no.
"Now THAT is a fantastic idea. What you just did is capture the real essence of what this project is about, the thing that will really push this forward. Awesome. Let's save it for Phase 2."
No way in hell.
Hope you enjoyed the long weekend. =I'm trying very hard to say something nice before I ask if you fucking did anything at all that I asked you two weeks ago.
I am glad to give you my "friends and family" rate.
TRANSLATION: It's still way more than anyone else will charge you.
Rasta
I may be in a position where my client(s) care less about the level of bullshit they deliver, than they do about ours, because their pockets are deep enough. Thus I've witnessed conversations that go something like this:
Us: "Fuck it. We're gettin paid in the shade for this."
Client: "Me too, and I get to look good in front of my boss."
fist bump
Is there a supervisor or general manager I could please speak to = You're wasting my fucking time
"what do you really mean?" =
I already know what you meant to say, but you couldn't grasp the vocabulary to structure a coherent idea.
Originally posted by: baron ruhstoff "Now THAT is a fantastic idea. What you just did is capture the real essence of what this project is about, the thing that will really push this forward. Awesome. Let's save it for Phase 2."
No way in hell.
We'll cover that in Phase 2 = next time I work with you my rates are going WAY up.
oh! you're a non-profit and you want a discount? sure! = we're charging you double
Sure I'll charge you "mate's rates" = Yeah I'll do it, but it goes to the bottom of the pile
That's odd, i send you a mail thursday last week. Didn't you get it? Maybe in your SPAM? = I just made your stuff, here is the link.
This
Originally posted by: YM "I'm haven't had the chance to get to that."
Ok, in order to design a logo for your project, I'm going to need you to send me some images of the things you work on so I have an idea about what the logo is meant to represent.
= Because you're a lecturer (aka one of the laziest people on earth), I know you will never get off your ass and send me anything and just slap the school's logo on at the last minute... which is what you're supposed to do anyway.
A bit specific, I'll admit.